ICBG
by Supa Supa Bad Truly Mad Moves
Summary: No man, mutant, mortal, or monster is safe from the ICBG, a secretive group of villains bent on world domination, beginning with the world's monsters. Part Two of three-way crossover of Twilight, Max, and Monsters vs. Aliens.
1. Meet Jewel

**ICBG**

**Here's part two of my story, FF's most popular three-way crossover of Twilight, Maximum Ride, and Monsters vs. Aliens. Yeah, that doesn't hold a lot of weight, does it?**

**Anyway, part one was entitled "Monsters vs. Vampires"; go check that one out, and you may also want to see "The Good Life", the MVA-only prequel to the x-over.**

**Okay, Disclaimer: The Twilight Saga belongs to Stephenie Meyer, Maximum Ride belongs to James Patterson, and Monsters vs. Aliens belongs to... uh... I don't know, some clown or another.**

**Chapter 1: Meet Jewel**

**JEWEL**

Yo. The name is Jewel. Here are a few things you might need to know.

First off, I'm a robot. Valued at about 170 billion American dollars. Not only am I capable of as many functions as a human brain, but my exterior is made of ruby, diamond, and pearl. The Big Guy doesn't cut corners.

The Big Guy is Pablo Rodriguez. Graduated college at 10, Ph.D. at 14. And no, it wasn't in Dance. The government saw his brilliance as a danger, so they locked him up. He's the design guy now. Need a weapon? A prison? A security system? Let's go see Pablo Rodriguez! I'm his pet project. His baby. He worked on me in his spare time with his spare cash. I first achieved awareness back in 1979 and since then my intelligence and personality have developed steadily.

A few months ago the Big Guy was testing out a new invention. Somehow, a gecko got caught in the internal mechanism. Don't ask me how a gecko found its way into a secret government facility. Shit happens, I guess. Anyway, after the experiment the Big Guy was transformed into a giant talking gecko.

Well, the Big Guy knew that he had no choice. He was, by law, a monster. He escaped, along with me and a few other super-geniuses. The others didn't want the Big Guy to feel lonely, so they elected to go through with a similar experiment. Now they're all giant animals.

There are the twins. Noah and Laren Janicke. Abducted at a very young age for their dangerous intelligence; barely twelve now. They went through the machine with a stingray and a mountain goat. Changed their names to Ray and Ram.

Felicia Nguyen. Beautiful woman. Deaf, but a phenomenal computer expert. She was melded with a snake. Albert Bach, the mathematician, melded himself with an albatross. Laura Kris became a frog, Danny Brooks an octopus. Not wanting me to feel left out, they designed my features to resemble a spider.

So there they are. Seven super-geniuses transformed into animals, on the run. What to do? Well, the rest of the world's monsters have been proving themselves. The government-hidden monsters were released to combat the alien invasion. Now they live in California. Right? Then there are the bird kids. They didn't really do anything, they're just cute. They live wherever they want to.

We all looked to the Big Guy as our leader. The oldest, the smartest, the first of us in everything. His idea? World domination. It's the only way for us to get acceptance. We make 'em accept us. First we get the other monsters on our side. Right? Then along with them we establish our rule. All will answer to the ICBG.

That's "International Conglomerate of Bad Guys". A bit of a misnomer. We're not international and we're not a conglomerate. It just has a nice ring to it. We got the name from an episode of "Chuck". Cute show.

Anyway, so we're gonna take over the world. Right? But there's a complication. It seems there are other monsters in the world who have yet to go public. And all three of these groups (maybe more than three, who knows, right?) have formed an alliance. So there's our first stop: Forks, Washington.


	2. Queso Dip II

**Chapter 2: Queso Dip II**

**LEAH CLEARWATER**

"Yo, Leah!"

I turned. It was Jacob. "I've got something for you," he said. "Here."

He gave me an intricate wood carving of a woman. "Oh, my God," I said. "That is pretty amazing."

Jacob shrugged. "Yeah, I just thought I should make something for you. Well, actually, it was originally going to be for the Missing Link, for his birthday, you know? But then I realized it looked more like you than him, so..."

In response, I clocked him in the nose. He quickly set it, and it healed smoothly.

"That's pretty good craftsmanship just to pay off a joke, though," I told him. "Thanks, Jake."

I turned to walk away and was immediately tackled by my little brother Seth.

"Okay, that's today's limit," I said. "I'm gonna go wander around in the woods." I turned to go.

"Oh, come on, Leah," Seth called, knowing that I wasn't truly offended. "I read that playfighting is an important part of a young wolf's development!"

"I read that a young wolf's brain is like a big plastic packet of queso dip," I replied.

I stripped down and shifted. I detected that Embry was currently a wolf as well, and politely asked him for privacy. He agreed and phased back. I zipped through the forest like... well, like a wolf. I don't know. What else zips through the forest?

A few miles out, just me and my thoughts and the occasional terrified forest animal, I smelled something weird. A human smell... but reptilian at the same time. Nothing I was familiar with, despite my newfound experience with monsters. I followed it, and a giant snake thrashed me over the head.

I growled and twisted, biting into the creature's midsection. Using its coils, it leveled a gun at me, and I saw that it had a human face. I snatched the gun from it, and was immediately dive-bombed by a seagull with a sixty-foot wingspan. It knocked me to the ground, and the snake drew another weapon; a silver knife. It slipped the knife between my ribs. I thought the silver was a bit silly, but a knife's a knife. It hurt.

I rose to my hind legs and took a swipe at both of the creatures, bloodying them. The bird scooped up the snake and they flew away. The last thing I noticed was that they were both wearing utility belts.

The knife was stuck in my side, and my tissue was healing around it. I couldn't pull it out as a wolf, so I sped to the place I had left my clothes, phased back to human, and put them back on. I didn't quite have the nerve to pull the knife out, so I started searching for help.

"Jake!" I said, spotting him. "Jacob, help me!"

"Whoa, what happened?" he demanded.

"Knife fight."

"Looks like the knife won."

"You could say that."

"I just did. Want me to pull that out for you?"

"No, that's okay, but if you could make a few more smart remarks, that would be amazingly helpful."

He pulled the knife out of my side; not a good maneuver with a normal human, but for me the open wound healed after about ten seconds.

"Silver?" Jacob said. "That's interesting. What happened?"

"Let's phase; I'll replay the memory for you."

We did so. _That is interesting,_ Jacob said. _Any clue what's going on?_

_None, _I told him. _Pack meeting?_

_Pack meeting._


	3. Engagement Party

**I read **_**Midnight Sun**_** before beginning this chapter. Just 'cause, I suppose. I wanted to get a good Edward-narrative mindset.**

**Chapter 3: Engagement Party**

**EDWARD CULLEN**

The family arrived at the Modesto mansion at sunset. Susan and Dr. Cockroach's engagement party had been scheduled at that time for our convenience. They're all very attached to us.

The driveway was packed, for there were a number of guests there in addition to the many cars owned by the monsters (at least two of which I happened to know doubled as rollerskates). Fortunately, everything about their home is big. Their driveway reads more like a parking lot. I wondered how long they'd been anticipating a gathering of this magnitude, and made a mental note to try to grab that information from somewhere.

B.O.B. answered the door. I like B.O.B. He is a very relaxing presence, for me at least. Much as Jasper will hang around Bella to feel her emotions, I occasionally find myself hovering over B.O.B. to listen to his thoughts. His thoughts are sparse, simple, and very few things go through his mind that don't come out of his mouth an instant later. Minimalist. My own personal LSD, if you will.

Susan waved at us ecstatically as we entered. I slipped away from the family and pinpointed Jacob.

"What happened?" I asked. He gave me the memory. _Leah was attacked_, he said silently. _It was like nothing we've ever experienced._

"Odd," I said. "Wait, the knife was silver?"

"Yeah, that gave me pause, too," he said.

"So whoever orchestrated this...?"

"Knew what they were dealing with, but not really," he confirmed. "They had a general idea but no data."

"Good reasoning," I said.

"We think this may have something to do with the attack on the mansion here the other day," Jacob continued. He glanced over my shoulder. "I think we'd better change the subject before Susan comes down here and clobbers us for spoiling the happy mood of her engagement party."

"Any other information?" I said, almost silently.

"I think I've told you everything," he said.

"Good," I said.

A mustached man approached us. "Hello," he said. "Jeb Batchelder. You two are among the Olympic monster family?"

"Yeah," Jacob said cautiously.

"I'm caretaker of the flock. I have some, ah, experience with genetics. Do you have any DNA samples of the creatures that attacked you?"

"Yeah," Jake said immediately. "We've got some of the snake's blood. What can you do with it?"

"We're all mixed up in this," Jeb said. "Our three families have become one, especially since these attacks on you seem to be more typical of attacks on the flock. If you can give me this snake creature's blood, I might be able to find out some things. Perhaps how it came to be a human-snake hybrid, perhaps what kind of snake it was melded with, maybe even who it used to be. If nothing else, I'll learn how to classify it." I could tell from reading his mind that he had been rehearsing the wording of that speech for several minutes before approaching us.

"Okay," Jacob said. "I'll get some of that blood to you. Thanks a lot."

Microphone feedback rang through the room. "Hey, everybody!" Link called out. "Okay, B.O.B., Insecto, and I have prepared a small musical performance to honor the happy couple. Hit it!"

Susan's eyes widened. "No, no, no, no, no..."

But it was too late. B.O.B. and Link burst into a terribly off-key rendition of "I've Got You Under My Skin", with Insectosaurus punctuating every line with a roar. Susan leapt across the room and disconnected the microphones. Everyone laughed politely.


	4. Blogs

**Chapter 4: Blogs**

**FANG**

_Yo. Fang here. Not much going on. You will be pleased to know that I'm finally learning how to play that guitar. Maybe I could get instruments for the rest of the flock and make a big bird band. I know Iggy used to have a keyboard at our old mountain house, and Gazzy can sing like a rock star (or anything else)._

_Anyway, fairly peaceful here. Trying to figure out who's setting up all the other monsters. Nudge spending waaaay too much time with Aaron. I could barely peel her off the IM to get to my blog. But what can I do, you know? She's eleven years old and in love. I can appreciate that._

I submitted my new entry. I had never subscribed to any blogs before, but now I had three; Insectosaurus', Susan's, and Alice's. Alice hadn't updated since the last time I checked, but the other two had. I clicked on Insecto's. His blog was decorated with a photo of him standing on tiptoe next to the Washington Monument in an attempt to be taller than it. His entry had been submitted today.

_I just love to dance! Can't wait for the wedding. Susan wants me to fly her down to the altar. Cool! Doc says he wants to try to put together a stage production of "Romeo and Juliet", so I've been reading that. I obviously won't get a part in the play, but I might as well familiarize myself. He's saying that he wants a primarily monster cast, so all you monsters who want to try your hand at acting, come down here after the wedding. We want all of you!_

I smiled. Insecto was endlessly cute. I checked Susan's updates.

_Oh my God, oh my God! I'm gonna be a bride! I've seen the design of my dress. Say what you will about the United States government, if nothing else, they can design giant clothes. I've booked a whole cruise ship just for the wedding. I am so freaking excited about this! Anybody have a giant paper bag?_

I shut my laptop immediately. My brain had just become overwhelmed by an image of Max in a wedding dress, coming up a hilltop to me... I shook myself. Not gonna happen. Clearly, she'll never take that kind of interest in me. I'm doomed to be her brother. I'll have to make that work for me.


	5. New Plan

**Chapter 5: New Plan**

**FELICIA NGUYEN**

I was born deaf.

My mechanical prowess often used to make me forget that. The way everyone looked at me, so impressed with the things I could make and come up with. I never felt disabled, or part of a different culture as some of the hearing-impaired do. Even when I was locked up, I still felt special. Flattered that someone actually thought I was dangerous enough to be kept secret.

Now that I'm with the ICBG, I don't feel that way anymore. I never know what's going on. I can read lips, and failing that I know sign language. But as it turns out, genetically spliced half-humans don't really have lips. Or fingers, for that matter.

So I'm forced to stand here, watching the Big Guy pacing in front of the rest of us, chewing us out for some blunder or another, having no clue what is going on until Albert can break away and write down what happened. I try to keep myself occupied by coiling and uncoiling.

FINALLY, finally, the group disperses and Albert goes over to the computer. I look over his shoulder as he types.

_We're going to capture the flock. The Big Guy figures that they're the most vulnerable of the three groups. We'll ransom them; when the rest of the monsters come, we'll capture them right here in our lair._

"How?" I asked.

_He wants me to design a trap to hold them all. I figure all we need is a really, really deep pit. Solid concrete. To tall for any escape, even if Ginormica stands on top of Insectosaurus' head. Too narrow for Insectosaurus to fly out, and too solid for any of them to dig their way out. I can only assume that the Olympic monsters can't dig through six feet of concrete._

I wrapped myself around him, and he responded by hugging me with his wings. "Do you think we're doing the right thing?" I asked.

He grabbed a notebook and pencil. We couldn't type anything that sounded vaguely conspiratorial; Jewel was hooked up to all of the computers.

_We have no choice at this point,_ he wrote. _We've already made the transformation, and the Big Guy is right; we have nothing to prove ourself with but our brains, which is exactly what got us locked up the first time. I don't know, though. I monitor all of the monsters, and there is so much love there. You can almost hear it, see it. They love just as much as normal people, like we used to._

I hugged him tighter when those words came. "We can still love," I said. "Can't we?"

_I don't know, Felicia,_ he wrote. _We've gone in too far. Either the ICBG takes over the world or we get locked up again. We'll never have a normal life again._

I felt a faint buzzing in my mind. Jewel had entered, clapping his hands.

"Enough of the sappy stuff, Bach," he said, his words entering my brain just as easily as they entered Albert's ears. "Get to designing."

"It's a big, deep hole, Jewel," Albert snapped. "Is that so hard to figure out?"

"Dimensions, Bach," Jewel countered. "You're the only one who knows the exact height, weight, and strength ratio of the monsters. Get to it. Nguyen, go do something useful, why don't you?"

Albert and I looked at each other hopelessly as we parted ways.

"There's no time for love, Nguyen," Jewel sneered. "This is the ICBG. Taking over the world is not for the pure of heart."

I held my tongue. A retort would get me punished. The Big Guy didn't approve of punishments, but Jewel got around that quite simply by not telling him. The Big Guy would refuse to believe that his precious Jewel would ever be the slightest bit sadistic.

I want out. Albert wants out. I think the two of us are alone in that regard.


	6. Revenge of the Queso Dip

**Chapter 6: Revenge of the Queso Dip**

**SUSAN MURPHY**

I met up with the flock outside of their house. A few neighborhood people peeked out to gawk at me.

Iggy seemed to be the first to notice me, and he uncannily flew up to find my eye level.

"Hey, Susan," he said. "I'm glad you're putting so much stock in us. Here, I made you a sample of my secret queso dip." He passed me the bowl and a bag of chips. "And I was thinking, for your musical selection? How about 'Gigantic' by Pixies?"

I flicked him, and he spread his wings to stabilize himself. Nudge flew up to give him a hug.

"Oh, there's my Iggy!" she said. "I was afraid I'd lost you. You're still in there somewhere!"

He laughed. "What the heck are you talking about?"

"You know, you can still be funny and happy... I missed that." She hugged him tighter.

I leaned down to Max. "Max, you'll be a bridesmaid?"

She looked utterly shocked. "Me?" she said. "Wow. I've never even been to a wedding. Dogs don't count. A bridesmaid?"

"Of course," I insisted. "You know, I feel like I've kind of lost touch with my human friends. Please? You'd be so beautiful in the dresses I've designed. It would even match your wings! And the younger kids could carry the rings and flowers. Those three and Renesmee... it would be so incredibly cute!"

Max blushed. "Okay, fine," she said.

"Hey," Iggy said. "Try out that dip, will you?"

I dipped a chip. "Wow, this is amazing. What's in it?"

"Queso."

"Besides that."

"Secret ingredients."

"Like what?"

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret."

"Oh, come on."

"Fine. Can you keep a secret?"

"Yes."

"Me too."

The piano on Iggy's face didn't last. When a voice called out, "Hey, Nudge!", the face fell hard. And when Nudge joyfully replied, "Aaron!" Iggy's expression became downright murderous.

Nudge had swooped down into the arms of a boy I recognized from the Monster Convention. Iggy gently floated back down to earth.

"Hey, Iggy," Aaron said warily.

"Yeah, how you doin', Yoko?" Iggy retorted, storming back into the house.

I looked down at Max. "What happened there?"

"Oh... bird stuff," she said. "You wouldn't understand."

"Are you sure? Come on, Max. I'm a friend. _It's my party and I'll pry if I want to, pry if I want to, pry if I want to... you would pry too if it..._" I faded off lamely at her blank expression. "That was Lesley Gore. '60s rock and roll."

"Ah. Yeah, I wasn't around in the sixties."

"Neither was I, but I know the music. Now, come on. What's the latest flock scandal?"

"Well..." she said blankly. "Iggy's always wanted a girlfriend, and he's just really jealous that Nudge likes Aaron so much."

I nodded. "So, Iggy likes Nudge? Isn't that a bit of an age difference?"

"Oh, no. At least I don't think so. That never occurred to me. But I really doubt it. We're siblings, the six of us, always have been."

"What about you and Fang?"

"Hey," she said dangerously. "There is nothing between me and Fang, all right? He is my brother."

"Uh-huh."

"What do you mean, 'uh-huh'? What's Fang been putting on his blog?"

"Nothing, it's just the way you look at him."

"Okay, subject change!" Max snarled. "Bridesmaid dresses. It goes with my wings, then?"

"Uh-huh." I let it go. None of my business, anyway.


	7. Strip Poker

**Chapter 7: Strip Poker**

**BELLA CULLEN**

"I raise you four," Carlisle said.

Edward looked around helplessly. "I fold," he said. As required, he also removed his shirt.

Emmett cackled. "Not so tough without your radar detector, eh little bro?" He walked up and gave me a hug. "Thank you for coming into my life, Bella."

"What do you mean, little bro?" Edward said suspiciously.

"I'm twenty, you're seventeen. Thus, you're my little bro."

"Uh, no," Edward said. "I'm ninety-two, you're seventy-two. I'm the older one."

"You can't do that!" Emmett said. "You can't count from the day we became vampires. Count our proper age."

"Okay, I'm a hundred and nine and _you're _ninety-two. Two ways out of three, I'm older than you. Now come on, let's play poker."

"Call," Jacob said.

"Two pair," Jasper said. "Twos and Jacks."

"Out," Carlisle said. He removed his jacket.

"Three of a kind," Emmett said smugly. Jasper and Jacob folded and removed an article of clothing each.

"What's going on in here?" Esme asked.

"Oh, I'm supervising the poker game," I said. "Shielding them from Edward, you know."

"Oh, how fun," Esme said. She noticed as Jasper folded and took off his shirt. "Strip poker?"

"Yeah," I said, rolling my eyes. "I told them how ridiculous that was. Dudes."

"Well, I guess this is more sensible than their human-food-eating contest," Esme said.

"The what?" I demanded. "Oh my God. Tell me about that."

"Emmett won by one Twinkie."

"Twinkies?" I demanded. "Heh, I don't think anything from Hostess should qualify as human food."

I laughed, as she stared blankly. "Hey, that joke would have killed at Sunflower Market. I'm gonna go there and tell it."


	8. A Discovery

**Chapter 8: A Discovery**

**IGGY**

I bounded effortlessly down the stairs and into the nearly empty living room. I spun around to plop into my favorite chair, and instead landed flat on my back.

"Okay," I said. "Who's the joker who moved my chair?"

Fang and Gazzy came up to me and lifted me up. "On your feet, Iggy," Fang said. "We're intervening." They led me in the direction of the garage.

"Intervening?" I demanded.

"Yeah. You've been moping around ever since... ever since the Monster Convention." I heard his verbal stumble and knew that he had been about to say "ever since Nudge started seeing Aaron". Like that's why I've been moping. "We've got to get you moving, dude," Fang continued. "Come on."

I listened carefully, and realized that there were no signs of life in the house other than the three of us. "Where are the girls?" I asked.

"Relax, Aaron went home."

"That wasn't my question, Fang."

"They're shopping with Ella. Now come on."

I took in my surroundings. "Why are we in the garage?"

Fang guided my hands to a surface. "Feel familiar?"

Smooth... small ridges... "A piano?" I asked.

"That's right."

I counted to the edges to find the middle C key. I heard the Flea Waltz emerge almost effortlessly.

"See?" Gazzy said. "He's still got it!"

I heard a few simple electric guitar chords accompany my piano. "Is that you, Fang?"

"Yep. We're gonna start a garage band, boys!"

Gazzy whooped and began to sing in a dead-on James Hetfield impression. I pounded the piano keys randomly and Fang screeched the guitar. We all laughed.

"Okay, seriously, fellas," Fang said. "You guys are with me on this, right?"

"Oh, hell yeah," I said. "Garage band. And if we practice, we'll be real good by the time the winter break is over, and we can take it to school with us!"

"We need percussion and bass, though," Fang said thoughtfully. "I'll ask Max and Nudge... and maybe Angel. She's always willing to learn a new skill."

The garage door banged in. Fang and Gazzy took up a defensive stance, and I followed their lead. I heard the big door snap in half and two creatures entered the room using some odd method of locomotion that I couldn't make sense of.

"ICBG," said a young boy's voice. "Freeze. You're coming with us."

Fang and Gazzy each grabbed one of my arms and jumped forward, wading into hand-to-hand combat.

"About time," Fang said sarcastically.

I threw some punches. One of the figures was really fluffy, the other had slimy, sandpapery skin. Feeling around, I realized that the fluffy figure was holding a gun, and I snatched it. I heard Fang disarm the second creature. Not wanting to look like a moron pointing a gun at nothing, I passed the one I had to Fang.

"Who are you?" Fang demanded.

"Screw you, dude," said the same young-boy voice. The room suddenly seemed emptier.

"What happened?" I asked.

"They vanished," Fang said. "Turned to dust and it all vanished."

"What were they?"

"Like... a goat and a stingray, but with human faces and fingers... weird."

I realized that my hand was filled with fur. I must have ripped some off of the fluffy creature when I took the gun from it.

"Hey, look what I got," I said. "This should narrow down Jeb's search, eh?"


	9. Governmenty Things

**Chapter 9: Governmenty Things**

**JACOB BLACK**

I knocked on the open office door. "General Monger?" I said. "My name is Jacob Black."

The gruff old man looked up at me. "Oh, of course. Come in. I'm sure you're anxious to know about the creatures that attacked your family. Sit down, I'm expecting a fax about it any minute."

"Oh," I said. "Yes, that would be great. Actually, I wanted to ask you for advice about what to get Ginormica and Dr. Cockroach for wedding gifts."

"Oh," the General said, nodding. "Well, I'm getting them skates. Real giant skates, not just cars that she can stick on her feet. I don't know, just get the usual generic wedding gifts. Toaster, kitchen knives."

"They have all of that. Come on, I don't want to be tacky like that."

"How about a kid's chemistry set? I bet the doctor could whip up something incredible out of that."

The fax machine on his desk buzzed. "Oh, damn," he said. He slapped the machine. "Damn it... you'd think if we can put a man on a soundstage that looks like the moon, you can make me a fax machine that doesn't need an adjustment every two seconds..."

He adjusted the paper tray, and his fax came to him. "Hmm," he said. He brought up some files on his computer.

"What is it?" I asked. "I should be able to know, right?"

"Yes," he said. He turned on his overhead projector, and the screen on his wall showed two faces: an Asian woman and a black boy of about twelve. "The blood came back identified as Felicia Nguyen's, and the fur as Laren Janicke's."

"Who are they?"

"Geniuses, Mr. Black," he said. "Dangerous, unstable geniuses, kept hidden by the government. Nguyen and Janicke were among the group that escaped from the facility a few months ago." He clicked the mouse, and showed a new photograph of seven people. "The theory is that if these two are the animal-like creatures, probably the others that have been seen are also among these great minds, however they managed to change themselves."

I looked at the photograph. All of the miserable-looking subjects seemed to be gravitating to another; Felicia Nguyen was paired with a ridiculously tall white man, Laren Janicke with a boy who was clearly his identical twin brother, and a stocky red-haired woman with a strangely muscled blonde man. Only the person on the far right of the picture was alone; he wasn't very far from the others, but he seemed strangely isolated. He was a very old Hispanic man with long black hair but pure white facial hair. I found myself flinching away from him, even in photograph form.

"Who's that guy on the end?" I asked.

He looked. "Pablo Rodriguez," he said. "The very first of the prisoners. His fellow inmates apparently called him the Big Guy. He's suspected to be the ringleader of the mass breakout." He noticed my unease. "That's the usual reaction to him," he said sympathetically. "Some people say he radiates pure evil, while the less spiritual just say that he's kind of creepy."

"I see," I said. "Well, thank you, General. Chemistry set, right?"

"Yep. I'll spread word about the find. See you at the wedding, Mr. Black."


	10. DIP: A Queso Dip Chapter

**Chapter 10: DIP: A Queso Dip Chapter**

**THE MISSING LINK**

"I can't believe you would do this to me, Link," B.O.B. sobbed. "I am so ticked at you right now!"

"Come on, dude," I said. "Let's talk about this over chips and queso dip, huh?"

"Oh, dip this," he snapped, throwing the bowl of dip at my head. I failed to dodge it, and wiped the gooey cheese off of my face.

"All right, B.O.B.," I said. "See you tomorrow at the rehearsal dinner when you've forgotten that this ever happened."

"Not this time, Link," B.O.B. insisted. "I'll never forget this." He extended a hand and pulled out his eyelid. "I wrote it on my eyelid in pen!"

I read the message on the inner lid. _Link beed a jerk. Don't talk to him until August 2035._ "You've sentenced me?" I demanded. "For twenty-five years?"

"Uh-huh!" B.O.B. climbed up the wall to his room on the second floor. I rolled my eyes and began to dig through a kitchen cabinet.

"_SCREECH_." Insectosaurus wanted to know what that had been about.

"I read his blog."

Insecto looked up from the book he was reading (Which is freakin' cute, by the way. Duckies? Kittens? Pfft. You have not seen cute 'til you've seen a titanic bug with a teeny-tiny paperback) and roared again.

"No, not at all. It was open to the public, it had zero previous hits, and it featured some insane dessert recipes that would only be valid as suicide implements."

"_SCREECH_."

"I don't know, dude. I'm not gonna mess up Doc and Susan's wedding day over something stupid like that. Is he asleep?"

Insecto glanced into B.O.B.'s window and nodded.

"Good." I found the cleaning fluid and sponge that I had been looking for. "I'm gonna go wipe that message off of his eyelid."


	11. Hollywood

**Chapter 11: Hollywood**

**THE BIG GUY**

Laura peeked her head into my office, her froggy red eyes wide with excitement. "Mr. Tran is here!" she said.

I stood up and skittered out to the cool concrete hallways. "Tran?" I said.

"Is that really you, Big Guy?" he said warily. "When I heard that you escaped, I wondered if you would ever call again."

"Never left my mind," I assured him. "Listen, friend, I need a favor."

"Absolutely."

"I'm under budget, and I need some real good henchmen. Do you have anything new?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"I need something that can strategize," I said. "It doesn't need to be particularly smart, but something that's good in a fight. Something that can take note of its opponent's tactics and know how to beat them."

"Hmm," Tran said. "I think I know exactly what you're looking for. I rode in on it, as a matter of fact."

"Really?" I said. "Show me."

I led him outside of the compound. I saw his mount; a bronze robotic dragon about forty feet tall. It was completely motionless.

"This is Hollywood," Tran said.

"Ah," I said. "He's gorgeous. Hello, Hollywood."

The robot turned to make eye contact with me and again stopped moving altogether.

"He's no Jewel," Tran admitted. "But he can get the job done. He can walk, swim, and fly with equal ease, and he can analyze any opponent to know exactly how to defeat them."

"Could he take Ginormica?" I asked.

Tran raised an eyebrow. "Is that what you're after? Well, yes, I'd say he could. You can have him, if you like."

"How will you get home?" I asked him.

Tran jumped ten feet in the air and stayed there. "I'll walk," he said casually. "Anti-gravity shoes. You'll take Hollywood, then?"

"Could I get the 'close friend' discount?"

"No, just take him. No charge. Consider yourself my ally; I'll supply you with whatever you need. I have henchmen, robots, clones, pencil-crayons. See Tran Industries for all of your supervillain-ing needs."

"I just might do that."


	12. Rehearsal Dinner

**Chapter 12: Rehearsal Dinner**

**RENESMEE CULLEN**

The family bounded into the clearing that had been set up for the rehearsal dinner. Insectosaurus stood at the very edge, with the other monsters gathered at a large table in front of him, and six other tables around the clearing.

"Okay, Nessie," Momma said, looking at the guest list. "You're at the kids' table. Jacob will be at the table right next to yours. Daddy and I are with the wedding party."

"Bye!" I said. I found my spot at the kids' table. Nudge was the only other one there at the moment; Angel and Gazzy were off playing.

"Hi, Nudge," I said.

"What's up, Nessie?" she said glumly.

"Aaron never stops talking about you, you know. He really loves you."

Her expression didn't brighten. "I love him, too," she said. "But..." she sighed. "I love my family more."

"What are you talking about?" I said, shocked.

"I think the flock wants me to pick between them and Aaron," she sobbed. "They say I'm spending so much time talking to him that I'm barely part of the flock anymore. Normally, given the choice between my family and Aaron, of course I'd pick the family... but if they're going to do something so underhanded as make me pick, I just might choose Aaron!"

I gaped. "That's terrible, Nudge!" I said.

"Yeah..." she said shakily. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to bring you down. I don't know who else to talk to."

"That's okay, Nudge," I said. "I've always considered you a friend."

"Thanks, Nessie," she said, smiling weakly. "So... I mean, I know you're just a kid like me, but do you have any advice?"

I thought. "Well, your family loves you, right?"

"Yeah."

"And you love Aaron?"

"Uh-huh."

"Then your family should love Aaron," I said simply. "If you really love him, he's part of your family, and the flock should accept him."

She blinked. "Wow, that's incredible. Can you tell Max that?"

"Me? Why can't you?"

"Oh, well..." Nudge was cut off as the Missing Link stood up and began to tap his champagne glass with a fork.

"Hey, everybody," he called out. "Uh, I'm Link. I'm a groomsman. I'd like to make the opening toast." The conversation around the clearing halted. "Thank you. Okay, um... well, I promised myself I wasn't going to make some sappy toast, but... I need to get this off my chest." He took a deep breath and jumped onto the head table. He seemed to be mentally preparing himself, before he yelled out, "I fucking love this couple! They are the greatest people on the planet, no contest. This guy..." He wrapped an arm around Dr. Cockroach. "This dude taught me everything I know. Taught me my first word. It was 'go-kart', 'cause he'd made some and I thought it was really cool. Then he showed me how to drive it. Oh, man, good times. We'd just race around the common room all day. And he taught me martial arts, which is my passion, of course. But Susan! Ah, yeah, Susan. Like I said, Doc taught me a lot, but it was Susan who helped me see the important things, and I think my three fellow monsters would agree with me on this. Susan made us realize who we are." He began to sob. "I love you two. I hope your eternal life is filled with endless happiness. And I love everyone else in the wedding party, and everybody here. Man, I just love everybody and everything." He looked around, clearly embarrassed, and adjusted his tie. "Uh, yeah, I'm gonna go drink beer and hammer up some drywall. See you guys tomorrow."

Link loped off into the woods. Nudge looked at me blankly. "Uh... what were we talking about?"

"Oh, you wanted me to tell Max what I told you. About Aaron."

"Yeah, that's right," she said. "About how if I love him, he's part of the family. Yeah. Can you tell her? I can't say that."

I blinked. "You just said it, Nudge."

"Oh. Well, you can say it more elegantly than me. And you're cuter."

"No, Nudge," I said. "It will mean more to the family if it comes straight from you."

"Okay," she said. She grinned broadly. "Thank you so much, Nessie. See you at the wedding tomorrow. I'll be the one... you know, carrying you."


	13. Queso Dip Reloaded

**Chapter 13: Queso Dip Reloaded**

**DANNY BROOKS**

Some of us have certain powers and abilities, amplified from those of the animal we were spliced with.

"Powers and abilities" is a somewhat loose term. Ram, for example, possesses great strength, but not more than that of the mountain goat who now shares his body. Even the Big Guy, though more dextrous and agile that he was as a human, is not more so than the gecko - possibly less, due to his greater size.

But the things that go beyond physical powers, those are magnified for those of us who picked particularly talented animals. Felicia, for example, can detect heat and movement much more efficiently than a normal snake ever could. And then we have me. An octopus has an incredibly complex brain, and not just as far as mollusks go, but as a creature in general. Octopuses (do not say "octopi" lest I kill you) can recognize colors, solve problems, and even count. Therefore, my brain, already of a prison-worthy capacity, is now arguably the best in the ICBG.

This may be why I was the one assigned to guide Hollywood.

"Man, this is just sad," Jewel said, looking up at the dragon-shaped contraption. "Hey, Hollywood!" The robot looked down at Jewel. "That's, like, all he can do," Jewel continued. "Pathetic."

My feelings for Jewel, who I am often partnered with, are mixed. On the one hand, he is easily the most impressive piece of technology in existence. A purely synthetic being, with its own thoughts, opinions, and free will! Incredible.

On the other hand, I fail to see why the Big Guy chose to make him such a smart-ass.

"You got this, Brooks?" Jewel asked me, taking me out of my reverie.

"Yes," I said.

"Remember, only keep control of him during travel or, if one should arise, social situations. When the fight starts, let him take over. It's what he's for."

"I know," I said. I slipped on the goggles that allowed me to view the world through Hollywood's eyes, and placed my hands on the controls. Two of my hands have human fingers ending in suction cups as well as a sucker on the palm, while the other two are simply octopus tentacles; the same with my feet.

"Good," Jewel said. "Well, I'm gonna go."

I lifted the goggles. "Go?" I demanded.

"Yeah. _The Legend of Zelda_ isn't going to win itself."

"You're running off to play video games?" I said incredulously. "You're supposed to be helping me, Jewel!"

"You're supposed to be respectful, Brooks," Jewel countered sweetly - a tone that usually means the person being addressed is about to be flogged.

"I don't even know where to find them!" I said defensively. "They're having the wedding on some obscure island in the middle of nowhere. And not even on the island, on a cruise ship way far away from it. I mean, they're going all out to make sure that nobody finds them, and I think the 'nobody' they have in mind is us."

As I was speaking, Jewel stepped up to the computer. He tapped about two keys and I was immediately treated to a satellite view of a cruise ship, unmistakably decorated for a wedding.

I blinked - or I would have if octopuses had eyelids. "How did you do that?"

"Ray and Ram stole a sample of Iggy's secret queso dip recipe from the house," Jewel said. "I entered it into the computer and followed its unique energy signature with the satellite."

I stared at him. "You're joking, right?"

"I don't joke about queso dip. Get to it."

Jewel scurried off to play his video game. I put the goggles back on.

"First test," I said. "Hollywood, walk." He took two steps forward. "Breathe fire." He shot a jet of it toward the ground. "Now, track the wedding."


	14. Wedding Day

**Chapter 14: Wedding Day**

**INSECTOSAURUS**

I was positioned in heavy cloud cover. Finding the cruise ship, I gave the signal. Nudge and Angel flew off from the top of my head, carrying Renesmee between them, all three of them holding bouquets. Gazzy flew after them, bearing the rings.

Susan slid from the top of my head to my face, looking like an absolute goddess in her flowing wedding dress. "Are we ready for this, buddy?" I nodded my confirmation. She gave me a tiny kiss on the nose and returned to my back. "Hurry before I start freaking out," she said over the gale of the wind.

I swooped down toward the ocean. The cruise ship was in an absolutely perfect void of blue, no land in sight. I landed in the water alongside the boat, which just came up to my shoulders. Susan stepped off my head and walked down the aisle. I waded to the altar end of the ship to join Susan's bridesmaids, Bella, Max, and Katie, the young California girl who originally discovered the robot.

The vows were exchanged. They had just gotten to the I-dos when I noticed something off in the distance. About three miles away, a large bronze robot was flying straight for us.

Edward looked at me from the line of groomsmen, between Link and General Monger. I quickly sent him a mental message not to follow my gaze—no need to draw any more attention to it in the middle of the ceremony. Edward nodded his agreement.

I kept half of my attention on the flying machine and the other half on the ceremony. About two miles off, it ducked down into the water. Of course. It was going for maximum speed until it got close enough to be seen, then it was going for stealth. Whatever it was hadn't counted on myself or vampires, who could see further.

"You may kiss the bride," the minister said. Susan bent down to pick up Dr. Cockroach, but he held up a hand to stop her. He climbed up her body and led the kiss.

"Will you love me forever?" Susan whispered.

"I can't be sure, darling," he said. "Ask me again in a million years."

They kissed again, this time Susan irrefutably leading.

I looked to the place that the mechanical thing had submerged. It would be here any minute. I wondered if the honeymoon would ever come.

**...to be continued in LOVE AND WAR**


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